I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
