The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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