2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
