i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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