my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
