she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
