i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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