i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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