i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
