Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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