i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
