Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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