she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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