I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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