I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
