Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
