I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
