don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
