What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
