i may or may not be watching the land before time
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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