How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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