I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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