No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
