I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
