when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
