rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I think my vagina is haunted
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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