Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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