All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
