It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
