i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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