He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
