I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You made out with two different species that night
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
