Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
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