your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
