my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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