I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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