sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Even my vagina gasped.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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