I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
