Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
