Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
