you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
