Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
