i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
