We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
