Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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