I feel like I'm in dance class right now
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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