Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Just puked most of my soul out..
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
