Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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