Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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