p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
