i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
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