so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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