woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
