u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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