There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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