I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
