Your face is a jimmy john
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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