She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
