I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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