I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
