woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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