They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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