I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize