just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize