Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
