I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize