i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize