soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize