he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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