You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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